Christmases Past vs. Present

Earlier, I was talking about how I have so much trouble sleeping.  Well, after being asleep for 2 hours, I woke up.  Why am I awake at 4 am?  I am not studying, I do not have a final tomorrow.  I think I am worried about lots of things.

Sometimes it makes me feel bad to worry.  I have a great life and I am so incredibly blessed.  I guess I think it is selfish for myself to worry about things.  But I do anyway.  I am worried about Christmas with my family.  I love Christmas with my whole heart because it is a time to be with family.  But, ever since my parents got a divorce, it has been kind of hard on me.  My sister and I would either have to go to my dad's on Christmas Eve, leaving my mom all alone that night OR go to his place on Christmas Day, leaving her all alone on Christmas.  I have told my mom that I hate leaving her but she says she knew what she was getting herself into.  After 19 years of waking up on Christmas morning having both my Mom and Dad open presents with my little sister, it is still so hard to have him not there.  This will be my 2nd year of missing him on Christmas morning.  Now after writing this, I feel selfish.  There are so many people who don't even have a parent alive anymore and I am complaining about not getting to see my dad on Christmas morning.  I guess each person has their own set of difficulties they must face in life and this is currently mine.  So however much the holidays are a joyful time, they still are just a little painful for me.  I was helping my mom put up ornaments on the Christmas tree and it made me so sad to see the only ones left in the bottom of the box the ones that had all of my family's names on it.  You know, the ones you can get at a kiosk at the mall and have the person write all of your families names on it.  There were three of those at the bottom of the box.  And, there was a new ornament hanging on the tree.  A set of golf clubs with the initials "JJ" on it- my mom's boyfriend.  It's funny how little things like broken ornaments in the bottom of a box can trigger emotions like that...But they can.  I just hope this holiday time can be a joyful and happy experience with both my mom and dad.